Do you pull me up just to push me down?

With life, we have to take the good with the bad.

There are GREAT moments. There are TERRIBLE moments.

I guess that's what makes life so interesting. 

I think we all have the same story line, just told in a different way.

 And it all comes down to choices and the lessons learned.

 

Like everybody else, 

I get in these ruts. These...funks. However, I am having a hard time shaking it off and snapping out of it.

 

It's one of those things when something traumatizing happens to you, your feelings, or whatever...and it becomes really hard to compose yourself again.

 

You feel broken, shattered, smashed, crushed into a thousand pieces.

It's like, feeling like you are queen and then all of a sudden your crown is broken.

You are high on a pedestal only for it to be kicked out from under you. 

And you beat yourself up over it. As if it was your fault. 

I hate feeling this way. I wish it would go away...so I can move on with my life.

These two songs can put it in perspective on how I am feeling...

"LOST" by Gorilla Zoe

"Beautiful" by Eminem

Cupcakes!

5. Try a cupcake from Gigi's.

Finally! I say finally because there is a Gigi's Cupcake Eatery less than two minutes away from my house. 

1) I have been lazy. 

2) Being kind of well, cheap...

I have a real problem spending $4 on a cupcake, when I can make 3 dozens on my own for less. 

We also get a discount there (Buy 3 cupcakes get one free)  because of where we live, but still. Lazy and cheap. 

However, I have always been tempted to try one! 

And I got lucky!

Gigi's was having a virtual Easter Egg hunt contest via their webpage. 

Basically what it is, you find the egg located somewhere on their website at a certain time on a certain day, and you click on the egg when you find it and put in a submission form stating your name, where you found the egg on the website, and your favorite Gigi's location. The first one to find the egg for that location wins a dozen mini cupcakes for FREE.  It was pretty intense. Over 2000 submissions in FIVE minutes.

I won for my location, Madison AL :) 

I am so giddy about this because I NEVER win anything.

 And cupcakes always make for a happy Tina.

 

So I got to try FOUR--not ONE kind of cupcake. 

I got to try wedding cake, birthday surprise and midnight magic and white midnight magic!

All very good. 

Mother's little helper.

15.  Sleep all day.

I love being a mother. It's one of the greatest things I can ever be.

However there are moments when I want to crawl under a rock and not come out for 100 years.

I want to pull my hair out, scream at the top of my lungs, and bang head against the wall.

There are times when I can't hold it in anymore and I just want to let it out and CRY. 

I have done all of these things. 

Sometimes I wonder how I don't drink, smoke, or pop anti anxiety meds like candy.

I am not looking for pity or anything like that, but I just want to shed some light in my shoes. Being a stay at home mom is harder than most people think.  I'd like to think of myself as a "household operations manager" because essentially that is what I do. I manage the household daily operations. I even have the apron to prove it! LOL. These include: grocery shopping, going to doctor appointments or music classes, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner, cleaning the house, laundry, trying to decipher the language of a toddler, manage the family budget and finances and so forth.

Sure it's not physical or manual labor, but it's mentally exhausting. It truly is. Sometimes it's a very lonely, tedious world. And it takes a toll.

Now, add your toddler tantrums and rebellion when you are trying to do all these things. Sometimes it almost seems impossible! I can't tell you how many times I went to a store, only to leave the cart full of groceries because my child would act up. This is nothing new in the MOM world. I am sure every mother has had a few of these episodes. 

Now, some mothers have the luxury of family to take the child and babysit. We really do not have that luxury. Evan's mother and father and my sister are in Georgia. My parents and brother are in New York. The closest relative we have is an hour away, Evan's sister. For awhile, we weren't on good terms but things are improving and I am grateful.

My SIL offered to take Sophia for a weekend so I can have time for myself, and couple time with my husband. I cannot help but take a collective sigh of relief. For the first time, since she was born, I am getting a REAL break. I admit, I was getting burnt out and more irritable and depressed because of it.
In the past, I have tried to work a part time job--actually make that THREE...part time jobs to get myself out of the house and away, but it never would work out.
 
 My husband is very supportive, if I want an hour or so to myself to go to the store or take a nap, he doesn't have a problem watching Sophia even after he has worked all day and is tired as hell. Sometimes, I feel bad though cause Sophia will throw a screaming fit if I leave and he is left with her in that state.

Sophia is enrolled in music classes. I thought it would be a good idea so she can be around kids and learn. She LOVES this class. She really enjoys it. However, when the teacher or I tells her to sit down, she will get angry and sometimes hit. And it's frustrating. I have had to pull her out of the class, discipline her and get her to calm down a few times already. Sometimes I get embarrassed cause I feel like I am the only mom in the class whose kid is rambunctious and doesn't listen.
 I know, I know, I know...she's TWO.

Deep breath....

This too shall pass...

However the hardest thing of all, is for MOM to have time for herself. To have a sense of identity. When we become mothers, we often lose ourselves because our family have become priority. Sacrifice has new meaning.

That's why I bowl on Thursday nights. Adult interaction for a couple of hours and I am having fun! :) I also really try to keep up with my appearance. I refuse to let myself go so much that I don't even care how I look in public. I will find time to put on makeup and shave my legs.

On the bright side, while Sophia is spending time with her cousins, I utilized my time and I deep cleaned the house. Did some spring cleaning, got rid of junk and posted ads on craigslist and facebook to sell some stuff and bring in some extra cash.

And the best thing of all that I did...

I SLEPT ALL DAY.

It. was. amazing. 

 Of course, I miss my little girl so much. I really tried not to cry when my SIL drove away with her. 

It's MY first time being away from her for a few days. It feels weird.

All that aside, I cannot imagine my life without her. 

 I found this book at the thrift store.

Looked interesting.

 Sophia is a very strong willed, independent, rebellious girl. Smart, too. (hmm...wonder where she gets it from...lol)

I really believe that every child is different and has to be disciplined accordingly. 

And I know a lot of her tantrums are coming from power struggles. Overall, she is a good kid. I can't help but melt when she asks me for kisses. LOL.

Hopefully after reading this and my "break," I can get some insight and really focus again.